session 3: meaningless façades

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

My third session was eye-opening, in that very heart-wrenching and emotionally exhausting kind of way. I continue to discover so much about myself through this process – what I do, how I act… It appears that I was hopelessly disconnected with the person I had become. It literally takes another person, like Joy, to sit me down and help me sort through this mess.

I’m totally lost. I feel like a fraud. I’m hiding my feelings. I’m internalizing. I’m not speaking my mind. All of this is putting me in this agitated, aggressive state that is so not me.

“Why am I doing this?” This question taunts me and echoes through my head.

As if I had spoken out loud, Joy replies, “You’re busy trying to please everyone else.”

Being the unbelievable listener and observer that she is, Joy was quick to identify the façade I have been parading around for the world to see. She pointed out things like:

“You don’t say what you mean. You say what you think others would want you to say.”

“You’re smiling, but you’re not really smiling. Know how I can tell? The skin by your eyes naturally crinkles when you smile and your skin is not crinkling.”

Oh god. I’ve got some serious work to do. I know it, and Joy knows it.

Homework time… My assignment this week is to say what I mean, then log it. Yes, you got it. Keep track. This should keep me honest.

I’m totally lost in my thoughts again and a loud command smacks me right back into reality, “Wipe that smile off your face.”

Oh, come on now? I’m seriously fake smiling? Who does that?

Apparently I do, that’s who.

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~ by hpiazza on 05/05/2011.

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